Perspective

I am doing much better again. Of course when I dropped Arrow off on Tuesday I was a bit of a mess. The poor radiation tech came out to get her --she was all perky and said, "Hi Arrow! How is Arrow today?" Poor woman didn't know what she was in for. Of course I burst into tears! I know, I know, I'm a ball of emotions. But they assure me she is doing fine. Sally and I (well, OK, Sally really) did a good job of keeping her wound clean and she is progressing fine. They called today and said that she is really doing fine. This is what the vet student said, "Her chart says she was in a lot of pain over the weekend, but she's doing fine. She's only limping a little." There are two interpretations of this statement. 1) She doesn't know Arrow and is misinterpreting her pain level; or 2) Arrow is affected by my worrying. I have my suspicions that it is #2.

It has always been my philosophy that life gives us lessons in our daily experiences. Things happen for a reason and we are supposed to learn from them. Sally HATES when I tell her that perhaps a particularly bad day or repeating situation has some lesson in it for her. I'm reading the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Its actually a pretty good book and a few weeks ago, while in Target, I was drawn to this book (no one recommended it at the time). There are a few tidbits that are appropriate for this experience. One point in particular relates to what I need to learn (or re-learn).

I have some issues with control. I want to take care of Arrow's illness and her pain. My lesson: I need to let go. Gilbert says, "Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well that would be the end of the universe. " I can't take away Arrow's pain and my worrying, in fact, is making her worse (note, I know I can't take away her pain, but the drugs can!). I need to accept the process for what it is and believe that she has the strength and courage to get through this. She keeps trying to tell me that and I have not listened to her.

I have also learned a lot about my partner in this process. She shows a depth of caring and love through all of her actions. She in many ways is taking care of both of us. In our day to day, we sometimes lose site of the really beautiful qualities of our partners (like when they can't accept your desire to see the Yankees win), but Sally is very gentle with and very loving towards Arrow. It is quite moving.

Friday, when we pick her up, it's my job to help her, to let her know I'm OK, and listen and watch her as she lets me know that she will be OK too.